Today

I've been struggling with blogging.  A lot.  I want to write, but there's not really much point if no one reads it.  Except that its a great way to keep track, to journal.  But my life is really not that exciting.  I've had this dream of being a super awesome blogger, who tons of people follow and look up to.  But I'm not exceptional at anything that is really blog worthy.  I'm average.  In pretty much everything I do.  Which is really a hard thing for me to adjust to.  lol  I know that sounds silly but I was always top of the class academically and when I went to university, I excelled in the career path I chose.  But then I got divorced, my life came crashing down and I moved back home.  Now I didn't have school to rely on.  For several years, I attributed my "average-ness" to just needing to get back on my feet.  I feel now like I'm "back on my feet" but still just ordinary.  I live an ordinary life doing ordinary things and I'm not really very good at them.  It's been bugging me lately.  A lot. 

Someday, maybe something will come back into my life that I can excel at. Maybe not, maybe I had my chance and I gave it up to be an average mom.  I'm not like most LDS moms I know, I'm not going to say that I'm sure I made the right choice, that I always knew I was supposed to be a mom.  Most days I question if I did the right thing.  Most days I wonder how my Heavenly Father thought my kids would be better off with me instead of one of the many fabulous mothers I know.  But He did, and I trust that He knows more than me.  So this is me.  This is who I am right now and its my responsibility to be sure that I don't mess it up. 

Being a mother is something that doesn't come naturally to me.  It's not like school.  School was easy, even university.  I didn't have to put in a ton of effort and I got great results.  Motherhood is a struggle.  Not just in the normal ways motherhood is a struggle for most women, but in that I feel like on the days I give it my 110% effort, I get minimal results (and the results are even worse if I give less effort!).  I often feel like the oddball out when I hear so many mothers talk about what a joy being a mother is and how we should feel like there is no greater calling.  I know that raising my children is the most important thing I could be doing right now.  I've never doubted the importance of mothers.  What I doubt is if this is REALLY what I was supposed to be doing.  How can something that is so unnatural to me be something I was meant to do?  It feels awkward. I could give you 1000 reasons why motherhood and I weren't meant to mix, but the fact is this is my job.  This is what my priority is right now.  Today.

So today, I'm trying harder.  Not that I wasn't trying before, but I'm trying more.  In fact, every day I will try harder.  I will try to find more ways to connect with my children.  I will try to find more patience with my children.  I will try to show them a better example of what a kind and loving relationship between their parents looks like.  I will praise them more.  I will nurture them more spiritually and emotionally (Trust me, my kids eat nonstop so they really don't need any more nurturing physically! lol). I will try to be a little more honest with myself and with them.  To acknowledge our triumphs and our missteps and to see them as opportunities to improve. And I will try to be a little more ok with being average.  I'll try to blog more, not so that I can feel the thrill that comes when people comment, but so that I can remember the little moments.  So I can remember today.  I may never be the best mom who lives a "blog-worthy" life and I may never get another comment on my blog again, but that's not what matters.  Because this life I'm living isn't for anyone else.  I'm living it for me and for my family. And today, I'm ok with that.

Four

I can't believe it but my little Myles is 4.  Crazy!  I cannot believe how fast time has gone.  It constantly amazes me that we've gone from this

To this in such a short amount of time

At 4, Myles:

-Loves "school".  We go to parent preschool and he loves it.
-Loves nursery.  We haven't made it to primary for the past two weeks, so I'll let you know how sunbeams goes!
-Is such a goof.  He is seriously always giggling.
-Is super mischievous
-Is so sweet to Kezia.  Usually.
-Wants to be like TJ in so many ways
-Loves helping me
-Has the cutest giggle ever
-Has mastered the smirk
-Loves shrimp
-Gets into things all the time
-Has some speech delays.  We're getting him assessed in the next few weeks, so I'll keep you posted on that too
-Has already had his adenoids removed and tubes put in his ears and will be getting his tonsils out soon
-Snores like an 80 year old man

On Sunday, we had a joint birthday party for him and Auntie Jesi, whose birthday is the day before Myles'.  Next year, its on to friend parties!  Ah!  So, for the party, he said he wanted a Minion Party.  It was so fun to plan!  I woke up feeling awful the day of the party though, but the show must go on!  I sent James with the kids to church so I could get a bit more sleep and hopefully feel human again. I woke up feeling slightly better, but not 100%.  Fortunately, Jess came over and helped me with the last minute things.  It was loud and crazy, but tons of fun.  However, I am looking forward to next year when his party won't be for 40 people!

Some pictures of our party fun!

The setup

 The treat bags.  Filled with "Minion Munch" A mix of yellow, blue and purple candied popcorn and Runts bananas.

 Nachos for the grownups

 Corny Minions

 Agnes' Cocoons

 Mega Minion Marshmallows

 The cupcakes

Halloween 2013

For the first time, I didn't make my kids costumes.  It was different.  Not bad, but it didn't win me over either.  lol  Here are about a million pics.

The elementary school has a costume parade, so we took the littles to watch TJ, oh sorry, Hulk.

 My super heroes, a princess and the cutest owl you've ever seen. (No clue why my pics turned out blurry.  I really should learn how to use my fancy schmancy camera.)

 I made a super fun wreath!

 So this is what happens when you put candy corn in cookies.  Yummy, but not pretty.  Lol

 I had tons of fun the week of halloween.  We had a spooky theme breakfast, lunch and supper all week. A few examples...

 We got some cute new pails for trick or treating...

 And we had some fun eating our zombie brains on Halloween before trick or treating.  Lol

Moments

This last year has been crazy.  Crazy busy, crazy hard, crazy intense.  Lots of changes and tons adjustments.  For the first part of the year, I had no desire to blog because I was miserable.  Really dark thoughts and not a good outlook on things.  I knew it wasn't how I REALLY felt, but I couldn't seem to shake it.  Then, when I finally did and was ready to blog again, I only my iPad and typing on that was way too much of a pain. But, our computer is back up and running now and I'm ready to go!  So, I'm not going to try and catch up on the last year.  It would take too long and be too depressing.  Onward and upward.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the moments that define us. How one choice, one moment, can change the course of our lives.  I was cooking wings for dinner the other day and I wasn't really paying attention while I was pulling the cookie sheets out of the oven.  My arm hit the oven rack and, although it only made contact for the briefest of seconds, I got a pretty wicked burn that is still there and is looking like it might scar.

In life, so many people flirt with danger, making what they see as exciting choices.  They walk on the edge, not fully doing the things that they know are wrong, but not staying where they know they're safe.  All it takes is one moment to change the outcome of your life.  One wrong step or one misguided choice can ruin everything you've worked for. And one decision can start you on a path in the right direction.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the moments that have brought me to this point in my life.  I don't have any regrets.  But I do miss a lot of the things from my past that aren't part of my life right now.  I'm working on adding some of those things back and only keeping the things I enjoy in my life.  Except housework.  Even if I hate it, it has to stay.  ;)

I am grateful for the moments that I get to spend with my children, for the very brief moments I get to be with James, and for the awareness I have of how much the moments of our lives matter.  I love that I can take the time to be sure that the moments I have count. Be aware of the moments your have and what you're doing with them.  Make the most of your moments. You never know how many you have left.

(Grumpy) Thoughts

So many things have happened in my world recently and there is no way I could possibly catch up, so I'm not going to try.  However, I am going to vent a little bit because I need to.

I live my life saying and doing things to not offend people or to make them happy.  I'm so much more concerned with others happiness than my own most of the time.   (And I'm not talking about my kids or anything.  It's my job to put their happiness in front of mine and I'm glad to do it!)  It's exhausting. I frequently talk a big talk, but I'm not very good at following through.  Maybe someday I'll be better at it.  Maybe...

I'm feeling crazy burnt out lately.  Not from my super busy schedule, but from taking care of a million people who should be able to take care of themselves and them having them get cranky at me for doing it.  I'm sorry, folks, but there are 3 families who live under my roof and I am in charge of all of them.  I have 2 people who are disabled I have to take care of, including keeping straight tons of specialist appointments, 4 children, all under the age of 5 and 4 "normal" adults.  My husband works out of town, so usually I do it on my own.  The ONLY way things work is to be crazy organized and scheduled, yet I seem to be the only one who realizes that.  People need to clean up after themselves and stop being lazy!  I understand if its the kids.  They're still learning to clean up and they need help.  I get that my disabled brother can't do things for himself and that my blind father is limited in what he can do. But the other adults in my house are driving me batty.  Seriously, 10 people!! If all 10 people leave out only 10 things is a day (which is not much at all!) that is ONE HUNDRED THINGS I HAVE TO PICK UP!!!!  This is not complicated math!  Why am I the only one who can figure it out!! Grr...

I'm seriously ready to move.  I don't care if its in town or far away, but I just need to get out.  I'm tired of not having my own space.  I want to have friends over.  I want to be able to turn the tv off without someone getting cranky.  I want pop to be a treat, not a constant necessity.  I'm SO done!! Blah

I'm so not ready for Christmas.  In fact, I'm kind of dreading Christmas.  We have no clue if James is working or not.  And its supposed to be our year with James' family. I don't see the point in me taking the kids to James' parents' house on Christmas Day if James isn't here. We're going to be getting together on a day when James is home, so why do it twice! This philosophy has made me super unpopular with James and his family.  Back to my first ranting paragraph, I will almost definitely end up there for part of Christmas Day without my husband.  Crappy.

 I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I love my religion, but I know its not for everyone.  I will gladly share it with anyone, but I'm not pushy.  You may or may not have heard about the recent "Wear Pants to Church Day" where a group of LDS feminists protested by wearing pants to church.  Traditionally, women wear skirts to show their respect.  Honestly, I haven't done enough research to feel comfortable commenting on the views of this group.  What I have a problem with is where the statement was made.  You wouldn't catch me walking into a synagogue and disrupting their worship service to prove a point.  Why can't people respect for those around them. Ah!

Final rant.  I love so many aspects of the town I live in, but there are some serious flaws.  Flaws which I'm not sure people even realize exist.  I hate that the arts are so under-represented here.  And the few groups there are are only populated by the same people repeatedly.  I have taught piano lessons since I was 14.  I minored in music at university I was involved in over 50 professional theater productions and several tv episodes and film. And yet after playing the piano in church a few weeks ago, I had multiple people come up to me and say they didn't know I played! For real! I'm sorry I didn't/don't have the right name/look/house/ect but I'm still valuable! I hate it! And I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. The thing is, I honestly don't think it's intentional. I don't think they're bad people, just it gets really easy to go to the same people repeatedly instead of letting new people get a chance.

Anyway, enough grumpiness. Coming soon, a happy post!

I love to see the temple...

This week was so crazy busy and a huge emotional roller coaster.  Crazy.  Pure Crazy!  But I don't want to focus on the crappy parts, just the good stuff.  By far the best day of my week was Saturday.  We drove to Calgary and went through the Calgary Temple open house.  It was so beautiful and the spirit there was so wonderful. I loved it! And the kids were amazingly well behaved. After the temple, we went to a baptism of our close friends son and it was the perfect end to a great day!

Whatever Wednesday - Date Night

I got to take my boys on a date last night! It was super fun. We had hot dogs at Costco then saw Hotel Transylvania. The boys were great. I love that I'm able to spend time with my kids!