Today

I've been struggling with blogging.  A lot.  I want to write, but there's not really much point if no one reads it.  Except that its a great way to keep track, to journal.  But my life is really not that exciting.  I've had this dream of being a super awesome blogger, who tons of people follow and look up to.  But I'm not exceptional at anything that is really blog worthy.  I'm average.  In pretty much everything I do.  Which is really a hard thing for me to adjust to.  lol  I know that sounds silly but I was always top of the class academically and when I went to university, I excelled in the career path I chose.  But then I got divorced, my life came crashing down and I moved back home.  Now I didn't have school to rely on.  For several years, I attributed my "average-ness" to just needing to get back on my feet.  I feel now like I'm "back on my feet" but still just ordinary.  I live an ordinary life doing ordinary things and I'm not really very good at them.  It's been bugging me lately.  A lot. 

Someday, maybe something will come back into my life that I can excel at. Maybe not, maybe I had my chance and I gave it up to be an average mom.  I'm not like most LDS moms I know, I'm not going to say that I'm sure I made the right choice, that I always knew I was supposed to be a mom.  Most days I question if I did the right thing.  Most days I wonder how my Heavenly Father thought my kids would be better off with me instead of one of the many fabulous mothers I know.  But He did, and I trust that He knows more than me.  So this is me.  This is who I am right now and its my responsibility to be sure that I don't mess it up. 

Being a mother is something that doesn't come naturally to me.  It's not like school.  School was easy, even university.  I didn't have to put in a ton of effort and I got great results.  Motherhood is a struggle.  Not just in the normal ways motherhood is a struggle for most women, but in that I feel like on the days I give it my 110% effort, I get minimal results (and the results are even worse if I give less effort!).  I often feel like the oddball out when I hear so many mothers talk about what a joy being a mother is and how we should feel like there is no greater calling.  I know that raising my children is the most important thing I could be doing right now.  I've never doubted the importance of mothers.  What I doubt is if this is REALLY what I was supposed to be doing.  How can something that is so unnatural to me be something I was meant to do?  It feels awkward. I could give you 1000 reasons why motherhood and I weren't meant to mix, but the fact is this is my job.  This is what my priority is right now.  Today.

So today, I'm trying harder.  Not that I wasn't trying before, but I'm trying more.  In fact, every day I will try harder.  I will try to find more ways to connect with my children.  I will try to find more patience with my children.  I will try to show them a better example of what a kind and loving relationship between their parents looks like.  I will praise them more.  I will nurture them more spiritually and emotionally (Trust me, my kids eat nonstop so they really don't need any more nurturing physically! lol). I will try to be a little more honest with myself and with them.  To acknowledge our triumphs and our missteps and to see them as opportunities to improve. And I will try to be a little more ok with being average.  I'll try to blog more, not so that I can feel the thrill that comes when people comment, but so that I can remember the little moments.  So I can remember today.  I may never be the best mom who lives a "blog-worthy" life and I may never get another comment on my blog again, but that's not what matters.  Because this life I'm living isn't for anyone else.  I'm living it for me and for my family. And today, I'm ok with that.

Four

I can't believe it but my little Myles is 4.  Crazy!  I cannot believe how fast time has gone.  It constantly amazes me that we've gone from this

To this in such a short amount of time

At 4, Myles:

-Loves "school".  We go to parent preschool and he loves it.
-Loves nursery.  We haven't made it to primary for the past two weeks, so I'll let you know how sunbeams goes!
-Is such a goof.  He is seriously always giggling.
-Is super mischievous
-Is so sweet to Kezia.  Usually.
-Wants to be like TJ in so many ways
-Loves helping me
-Has the cutest giggle ever
-Has mastered the smirk
-Loves shrimp
-Gets into things all the time
-Has some speech delays.  We're getting him assessed in the next few weeks, so I'll keep you posted on that too
-Has already had his adenoids removed and tubes put in his ears and will be getting his tonsils out soon
-Snores like an 80 year old man

On Sunday, we had a joint birthday party for him and Auntie Jesi, whose birthday is the day before Myles'.  Next year, its on to friend parties!  Ah!  So, for the party, he said he wanted a Minion Party.  It was so fun to plan!  I woke up feeling awful the day of the party though, but the show must go on!  I sent James with the kids to church so I could get a bit more sleep and hopefully feel human again. I woke up feeling slightly better, but not 100%.  Fortunately, Jess came over and helped me with the last minute things.  It was loud and crazy, but tons of fun.  However, I am looking forward to next year when his party won't be for 40 people!

Some pictures of our party fun!

The setup

 The treat bags.  Filled with "Minion Munch" A mix of yellow, blue and purple candied popcorn and Runts bananas.

 Nachos for the grownups

 Corny Minions

 Agnes' Cocoons

 Mega Minion Marshmallows

 The cupcakes

Halloween 2013

For the first time, I didn't make my kids costumes.  It was different.  Not bad, but it didn't win me over either.  lol  Here are about a million pics.

The elementary school has a costume parade, so we took the littles to watch TJ, oh sorry, Hulk.

 My super heroes, a princess and the cutest owl you've ever seen. (No clue why my pics turned out blurry.  I really should learn how to use my fancy schmancy camera.)

 I made a super fun wreath!

 So this is what happens when you put candy corn in cookies.  Yummy, but not pretty.  Lol

 I had tons of fun the week of halloween.  We had a spooky theme breakfast, lunch and supper all week. A few examples...

 We got some cute new pails for trick or treating...

 And we had some fun eating our zombie brains on Halloween before trick or treating.  Lol

Moments

This last year has been crazy.  Crazy busy, crazy hard, crazy intense.  Lots of changes and tons adjustments.  For the first part of the year, I had no desire to blog because I was miserable.  Really dark thoughts and not a good outlook on things.  I knew it wasn't how I REALLY felt, but I couldn't seem to shake it.  Then, when I finally did and was ready to blog again, I only my iPad and typing on that was way too much of a pain. But, our computer is back up and running now and I'm ready to go!  So, I'm not going to try and catch up on the last year.  It would take too long and be too depressing.  Onward and upward.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the moments that define us. How one choice, one moment, can change the course of our lives.  I was cooking wings for dinner the other day and I wasn't really paying attention while I was pulling the cookie sheets out of the oven.  My arm hit the oven rack and, although it only made contact for the briefest of seconds, I got a pretty wicked burn that is still there and is looking like it might scar.

In life, so many people flirt with danger, making what they see as exciting choices.  They walk on the edge, not fully doing the things that they know are wrong, but not staying where they know they're safe.  All it takes is one moment to change the outcome of your life.  One wrong step or one misguided choice can ruin everything you've worked for. And one decision can start you on a path in the right direction.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the moments that have brought me to this point in my life.  I don't have any regrets.  But I do miss a lot of the things from my past that aren't part of my life right now.  I'm working on adding some of those things back and only keeping the things I enjoy in my life.  Except housework.  Even if I hate it, it has to stay.  ;)

I am grateful for the moments that I get to spend with my children, for the very brief moments I get to be with James, and for the awareness I have of how much the moments of our lives matter.  I love that I can take the time to be sure that the moments I have count. Be aware of the moments your have and what you're doing with them.  Make the most of your moments. You never know how many you have left.

(Grumpy) Thoughts

So many things have happened in my world recently and there is no way I could possibly catch up, so I'm not going to try.  However, I am going to vent a little bit because I need to.

I live my life saying and doing things to not offend people or to make them happy.  I'm so much more concerned with others happiness than my own most of the time.   (And I'm not talking about my kids or anything.  It's my job to put their happiness in front of mine and I'm glad to do it!)  It's exhausting. I frequently talk a big talk, but I'm not very good at following through.  Maybe someday I'll be better at it.  Maybe...

I'm feeling crazy burnt out lately.  Not from my super busy schedule, but from taking care of a million people who should be able to take care of themselves and them having them get cranky at me for doing it.  I'm sorry, folks, but there are 3 families who live under my roof and I am in charge of all of them.  I have 2 people who are disabled I have to take care of, including keeping straight tons of specialist appointments, 4 children, all under the age of 5 and 4 "normal" adults.  My husband works out of town, so usually I do it on my own.  The ONLY way things work is to be crazy organized and scheduled, yet I seem to be the only one who realizes that.  People need to clean up after themselves and stop being lazy!  I understand if its the kids.  They're still learning to clean up and they need help.  I get that my disabled brother can't do things for himself and that my blind father is limited in what he can do. But the other adults in my house are driving me batty.  Seriously, 10 people!! If all 10 people leave out only 10 things is a day (which is not much at all!) that is ONE HUNDRED THINGS I HAVE TO PICK UP!!!!  This is not complicated math!  Why am I the only one who can figure it out!! Grr...

I'm seriously ready to move.  I don't care if its in town or far away, but I just need to get out.  I'm tired of not having my own space.  I want to have friends over.  I want to be able to turn the tv off without someone getting cranky.  I want pop to be a treat, not a constant necessity.  I'm SO done!! Blah

I'm so not ready for Christmas.  In fact, I'm kind of dreading Christmas.  We have no clue if James is working or not.  And its supposed to be our year with James' family. I don't see the point in me taking the kids to James' parents' house on Christmas Day if James isn't here. We're going to be getting together on a day when James is home, so why do it twice! This philosophy has made me super unpopular with James and his family.  Back to my first ranting paragraph, I will almost definitely end up there for part of Christmas Day without my husband.  Crappy.

 I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I love my religion, but I know its not for everyone.  I will gladly share it with anyone, but I'm not pushy.  You may or may not have heard about the recent "Wear Pants to Church Day" where a group of LDS feminists protested by wearing pants to church.  Traditionally, women wear skirts to show their respect.  Honestly, I haven't done enough research to feel comfortable commenting on the views of this group.  What I have a problem with is where the statement was made.  You wouldn't catch me walking into a synagogue and disrupting their worship service to prove a point.  Why can't people respect for those around them. Ah!

Final rant.  I love so many aspects of the town I live in, but there are some serious flaws.  Flaws which I'm not sure people even realize exist.  I hate that the arts are so under-represented here.  And the few groups there are are only populated by the same people repeatedly.  I have taught piano lessons since I was 14.  I minored in music at university I was involved in over 50 professional theater productions and several tv episodes and film. And yet after playing the piano in church a few weeks ago, I had multiple people come up to me and say they didn't know I played! For real! I'm sorry I didn't/don't have the right name/look/house/ect but I'm still valuable! I hate it! And I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. The thing is, I honestly don't think it's intentional. I don't think they're bad people, just it gets really easy to go to the same people repeatedly instead of letting new people get a chance.

Anyway, enough grumpiness. Coming soon, a happy post!

I love to see the temple...

This week was so crazy busy and a huge emotional roller coaster.  Crazy.  Pure Crazy!  But I don't want to focus on the crappy parts, just the good stuff.  By far the best day of my week was Saturday.  We drove to Calgary and went through the Calgary Temple open house.  It was so beautiful and the spirit there was so wonderful. I loved it! And the kids were amazingly well behaved. After the temple, we went to a baptism of our close friends son and it was the perfect end to a great day!

Whatever Wednesday - Date Night

I got to take my boys on a date last night! It was super fun. We had hot dogs at Costco then saw Hotel Transylvania. The boys were great. I love that I'm able to spend time with my kids!

Thankful

I loved last weekend! Not only was it Thanksgiving, but it was General Conference. I love the opportunity to listen to the prophet and apostles and have my spiritual batteries recharged. I didn't get to watch or listen to any of Saturday's sessions (yet, but will be shortly!) but I was able to watch both sessions on Sunday. There were so many amazing moments that touched my heart. Here are a few of my favs!

 

I felt impressed to make some changes in my life during the sessions on Sunday.  Nothings, major, just some "fine tuning" kind of things that I need to focus on, which was great, because I tend to feel quite overwhelmed with all the things I need to get better at doing!  If you want to watch/listen to any of is, go here.

Ok, I lied...

So it took longer than the weekend, but here I am.  Finally.  Hopefully for good this time, but no promises.  Today I'm going to try and catch up (somewhat) on what has happened since I last blogged. 

Summer
-was kind of a blur
-didn't seem terribly "summery"
-we didn't go on vacation or anything exciting
-took about a million day trips to Calgary for Dad's eye appoinments
-we had lots of bonfires with the requesite hot dogs and marshmallows for roasting
-was HOT and I loved it!
-went swimming once
-went "camping" in the campground a block away from our house. The kids loved it and since we couldn't go too far from Dad, it was the best we could do.
-didn't do most of the things we usually do because of all the trips to Calgary

TJ
-grew... a lot
-now wears a size 6 clothes and size 11/12 shoe
-loves to run
-started kindergarten and loves it.  He gets sad the days he doesn't have school
-comes home every day and asks to do "homework"
-says some of the funniest things. Yesterday, in the van, he said that he needed to watch tv and play games on my phone because using electronics was one of his talents.

Myles
-is actually a size 2 now, not just a kid drowning in his clothes
-is talking a lot more, some of which you can actually understand
-wants to go everywhere TJ goes
-loves parent preschool
-loves nursery
-still naps every day (thank heavens!)
-is super protective of Kezia

Kezia
-finally graduated to 6-12 month clothes (mostly)
-weighs a whopping 16.5 pounds
-had her first birthday in July
-took her first steps a month or so ago and just barely decided that walking is ok most of the time
-naps every day
-loves playing with her brothers
-has the chicken pox at the moment.  Most of them are in her mouth, so she is beyond cranky.

James
-is not getting the shifts we need him to get in Calgary, so he took a security job in Lethbridge.  It sucks.  I'm cranky about it and so is he. End of story.
-is working really hard at being patient with TJ and doing a good job most days
-is such a great Dad!
-is still the love of my life

Me
-got released as a Relief Society teacher, which I'm super sad about because I loved that calling and didn't get to do it nearly long enough
-got called as the ward music chairman, which is super exciting
-got an iPad at the end of August because the business hit all the insane goals we set!
-went blondish for a bit
-took the shoes to Whoop Up Days.  It was a long but awesome week.
-Went to see Mama Mia. Amazing!

 

Dad
-is officailly legally blind
-had 2 more surgeries
-has been told this is about as good as his eyes are gonna get.  He did not take it well.

There you go. The past few months in a nutshell.  Now, here's hoping I can keep up!

Blah!

Ok, I REALLY wanted to be better at blogging but it seems like life is preventing me from doing anything but running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  Add to that my computer is stupid, posting from my phone takes forever, and my camera is a mess and I'm a little kerfluffled!  I'm going to get back, I promise.  I just have to get a few more things under control this weekend and then that's that!  Come back Monday, I'll be here.

Ten on Tuesday

Ten things I want to remember about...

TJ
{1} He is so concerned for Myles and Kezia. If either get sick or hurt, he cries
{2} He has such an active imagination
{3} How much he loves school. I hope it never changes
{4} How he says "basagna"
{5} The way he loves with all his heart
{6} Those moments when he's so excited he learned something and it's like he's going to burst if he can't show me right that second
{7} How much he loves to pray
{8} What a great big brother he is
{9} How fast he is growing. He's kit a little boy any more and I feel like I'm going to blink and he's going to be gone and I have to constantly remind myself this isn't going to last forever
{10} How much he loves primary

Myles
{1} His great little smile and giggles
{2} The game we play where he pretends to "eat" me
{3} How much he idolizes TJ and adores Kezia
{4} He is so concerned about his family. He thought someone who came over the other day was going to take Kezia because they headed to the door while holding her and he ran after them screaming "no baby" and crying
{5} How much he lights up when he sees James
{6} He is so stubborn! Especially when it comes to what he wears!
{7} He wears mismatching snow boots daily. I can't get him to stop
{8} The way it feels when he throws his arms around my neck
{9} His love/hate relationship with Adi (Truthfully, right now it drives me bonkers, but some day I'll look back on it and laugh, right. Someone?? Please tell me there's hope!)
{10} How he loves when James calls. He'll stand there with a huge grin and try to push every button on the phone all while yelling "hi daddy!"

Kezia
{1} How even though she is tiny, she is ferocious!
{2} The look on her face when James calls
{3} Her utter fascination with her brothers
{4} She is trying so hard to stand on her own!
{5} The warm fuzzies that come when we snuggle
{6} Her attitude. She is a complete princess
{7} The hair bow war. Mommy is determined she will wear them and she is determined she will rid the world of them!
{8} What a happy, content baby she is!
{9} How quickly she can destroy a room
{10} That she has more shoes than I do!

Ten on Tuesday

For today's 10, I'm going to do a couple of top ten lists.

Top 10...

Favorite Foods/Drinks

{1}  Virgin Pina Coladas... YUM!

{2}  Pineapple
{3}  Watermelon ... Funny story.  My family used to go camping with several other families every August long weekend.  One year (I was 16 or 17) we still had about 8 or 9 HUGE watemelons the last night of camp.  My best friend, myself and 2 of the boys from another family decided it would be a great idea to have a watermelon eating contest.  Between the 4 of us, we ate all of the giant watermelons (seriously, they were HUGE!!) in under 8 minutes. I couldn't even stand to think about eating a watermelon after that. Then when I was pregnant with Myles, it was all I wanted to eat!

{4}  Ice cream/frozen yogurt  I could skip pretty much any other dessert in the world if given a bowl of yummy ice cream (as long as its not vanilla or something gross!)
{5}  Crab

{6}  Shrimp
{7}  Grilled salmon (sensing a theme? Maybe I sould move closer to the ocean!)
{8}  Asparagus
{9}  Brussel Sprouts
{10} Did I mention crab and shrimp?

Things you may not know about me

{1} I hate all things creepy crawly... spiders, snakes, lizards... eww
{2} I love public speaking, but talking to someone I'm not really close to one on one causes me to have heart palpitations.
{3} I have started and not completed 2 different degrees, depsite getting full scholarships to 3 universities.
{4} I was named after my grandma
{5} I broke every "rule" I had when naming TJ. In fact, I still am unsure it was the right thing to do some days!
{6} I have taught 210 piano students and 63 voice students in the past 14 years
{7} I do not like cats
{8} I'm a huge Dr. Seuss nerd

{9} I used to do competitive storytelling
{10} I helped with costumes for the Salt Lake Olympics and the displays at the visitors center on Temple Square

And just because this is awesome...

Mommy Monday

Nothing like a good bonfire to end the long weekend.

Only problem is it really makes me want to go camping!

Whatever Wednesday

I'm super stoked. I got an elipitcal for $15!!!  I have wanted one for SO long!! Now to clean my room so I can put it in there!

Ten on Tuesday

{1} This month has been awful.  Not just too stressed to function horrible, but life altering, never be the same horrible.  Wish I could say I'm handling it better, but that would be lying.

{2} I had another birthday this month.  It was fairly uneventful, but I did get lots of great new jewelry!

{3} Things are going really great with the business.  In fact, they're going way better than we anticipated.  We're feeling like we've got to catch up!

{4} I slept horribly last night and wanted to go to be3d far earlier than now.  However, my children have other ideas.  My kids are usually really good at going to bed.  As in 8 is a late night and those usually only happen once every month or so!  And once they're in bed, they're in bed for good!  Tonight, it is 11pm and they're still going strong.

{5} Mother's Day is one of the most difficult holiday's for me since Mom left.  I am SO greatful for the opportunity I have to be a mother.  I love that part of the day.  But the part where everyone talks about how great their Mom's are and how much they look up to them and adore them makes my heart hurt.  I used to have an amazing mother.  She was not perfect and we had our disagreements, but she was an awesome example of love and friendship and compassion.  She stood for what she believed in no matter what.  She loved us unconditionally and we knew it.  She taught me so much.  All that has changed.  She has changed.  She has become one of the most selfish people I have ever known.  She has said and done so many hurtful things that I don't know how to like her anymore.  I love her.  I will always love her.  But Mother's Day just makes me more painfully aware of how much I miss my Mom.  Not the Mom I have now, but my real Mom.

{6} I'm about a milisecond away from giving up on ever getting my house done.

{7} I got a gift card to get some new books for my Kobo for my birthday. Any suggestions?

{8} I'm loving this warm weather! Keep it coming!

{9} I think all my bills might get paid this month! Wahoo!

{10} We went on a picnic at the lake for FHE last night.  It was great.  I have to admit, though, I have decided I have watched too many crime shows with my Dad. (I'm not really a big TV watcher, but Dad likes a bunch of shows like Criminal Minds and stuff, so they're usually on at night!) There was an episode at one point in time where a kidnapper brought a bunch of balloons to the park to earn the trust of the kids.  Yesterday, two ladies showed up with probably about 50 balloons and started handing them out and some part of me started freaking out.  If I end up moving to Calgary, how am I ever going to survive!

Ten on Tuesday

{1} I took a brief hiatus from blogging.  Not because I wanted to, but because life was so crazy busy that I barely had time to breathe. I missed it.

{2} TJ turned 5 a few weeks ago. Holy cow. We had a weekend of birthday insanity.  It was great. I'll post all about it later, but for now, a picture or two to tide you over...

{3} James graduated! I'm so proud of him and all the hard work he has put in over the past few years!

This picture cracks me up

Sadly, one of the best pictures I got of James all day...

{4} Speaking of James, he got a job!  Unfortunately, its in Calgary.  For now, we are not moving because most jobs in corrections start as casual.  He's getting full time hours, but they're not guranteed, so we're not quite at that point.

At the dinner he organized for his class

{5} Again, speaking of James, anyone know someone in Calgary who has a room for rent?

{6} I'm feeling like my house is never going to be done. I need at least one more day a week.

{7} I had SO much to do today, but instead, I snuggled my kids and watched a movie with them.  It was fabulous.  I am so greatful for the opportunity I have to be a mother.

{8} I don't understand some people. Especially parents who have no regard for how their actions affect their children.  Even if children are adults, it still causes stress when parents act like idiots.

{9} On Monday, I stayed home ALL DAY for the first day in over a month!!  It was glorious!  I made homemade soup, buns and brownies for the ladies I visit teach (one was sick and one's mother in law just passed away) got a TON of cleaning done (still oodles to do!), washed, dried and folded 12 loads of laundry (it may or may not be sitting in baskets ready to be put away...) and had Family Home Evening.  So good!

We went for sushi after James' convocation. Myles LOVED it! (I know the picture is horrible, but you try and get him to sit still...)

 {10} I'm feeling a serious need to be crafty.  So many projects, so little time!