Today

I've been struggling with blogging.  A lot.  I want to write, but there's not really much point if no one reads it.  Except that its a great way to keep track, to journal.  But my life is really not that exciting.  I've had this dream of being a super awesome blogger, who tons of people follow and look up to.  But I'm not exceptional at anything that is really blog worthy.  I'm average.  In pretty much everything I do.  Which is really a hard thing for me to adjust to.  lol  I know that sounds silly but I was always top of the class academically and when I went to university, I excelled in the career path I chose.  But then I got divorced, my life came crashing down and I moved back home.  Now I didn't have school to rely on.  For several years, I attributed my "average-ness" to just needing to get back on my feet.  I feel now like I'm "back on my feet" but still just ordinary.  I live an ordinary life doing ordinary things and I'm not really very good at them.  It's been bugging me lately.  A lot. 

Someday, maybe something will come back into my life that I can excel at. Maybe not, maybe I had my chance and I gave it up to be an average mom.  I'm not like most LDS moms I know, I'm not going to say that I'm sure I made the right choice, that I always knew I was supposed to be a mom.  Most days I question if I did the right thing.  Most days I wonder how my Heavenly Father thought my kids would be better off with me instead of one of the many fabulous mothers I know.  But He did, and I trust that He knows more than me.  So this is me.  This is who I am right now and its my responsibility to be sure that I don't mess it up. 

Being a mother is something that doesn't come naturally to me.  It's not like school.  School was easy, even university.  I didn't have to put in a ton of effort and I got great results.  Motherhood is a struggle.  Not just in the normal ways motherhood is a struggle for most women, but in that I feel like on the days I give it my 110% effort, I get minimal results (and the results are even worse if I give less effort!).  I often feel like the oddball out when I hear so many mothers talk about what a joy being a mother is and how we should feel like there is no greater calling.  I know that raising my children is the most important thing I could be doing right now.  I've never doubted the importance of mothers.  What I doubt is if this is REALLY what I was supposed to be doing.  How can something that is so unnatural to me be something I was meant to do?  It feels awkward. I could give you 1000 reasons why motherhood and I weren't meant to mix, but the fact is this is my job.  This is what my priority is right now.  Today.

So today, I'm trying harder.  Not that I wasn't trying before, but I'm trying more.  In fact, every day I will try harder.  I will try to find more ways to connect with my children.  I will try to find more patience with my children.  I will try to show them a better example of what a kind and loving relationship between their parents looks like.  I will praise them more.  I will nurture them more spiritually and emotionally (Trust me, my kids eat nonstop so they really don't need any more nurturing physically! lol). I will try to be a little more honest with myself and with them.  To acknowledge our triumphs and our missteps and to see them as opportunities to improve. And I will try to be a little more ok with being average.  I'll try to blog more, not so that I can feel the thrill that comes when people comment, but so that I can remember the little moments.  So I can remember today.  I may never be the best mom who lives a "blog-worthy" life and I may never get another comment on my blog again, but that's not what matters.  Because this life I'm living isn't for anyone else.  I'm living it for me and for my family. And today, I'm ok with that.