WARNING**Ok, so, this post is not going to be all positive. Just sayin'. Also, I need to preface this post by saying that I know how ungrateful I will sound. And I know that anyone who has issues with fertility will read this and probably be disgusted by my attitude. I know because I was there once. Just keep reading! I promise, I'm not 100% jerk!**
A few months ago (October to be exact) most of our family got the flu. It cycled through all of us, but mine wouldn't go away! The thought crossed my mind that I was pregnant, but then I said to myself "Not possible! After Myles, the doctor said there was less than 3% chance my body would accept another pregnancy." So I pushed that thought aside and kept puking and sleeping for a few weeks. It didn't matter what I did, I had zero energy and could not stop puking. So, I bought a pregnancy test. It was negative. I knew it would be, so no suprise. A week later, no change. The box had 2 tests, so I took the second. Positive. "Wow, I can't believe that" (this may not be exactly what I said, but I may not be super proud about what I said!) So I told James. His reaction was exactly the same as mine! We sat on our bed and talked about this very unexpected suprise. (I may have cried the entire time we talked.)
To say this baby was a shock would be an understatement. As far as we knew, we were done. I'd gotten rid of my maternity clothes. I was working REALLY hard on losing weight and had finally started seeing some progress. If it was just that, I would not have been so upset. However, I had a baby who was not even 10 months old at the time. I was in school part time and planning on going full time in the near future. James had just decided that he needed to not work while in school so that he could focus on his grades, so we cut our income drastically. And we found out that one of the jobs we have would only be going for another 6 months. All this added, but would still have been manageable.
Our house is what pushed me over the edge. As I've mentioned before, we're living at my Dad's place. To say that its not my dream home would be an understatement. I actually dream of it meeting some sort of terrible misfortune while we're all out. My parents (although both will say it was mostly the other) have always been "keepers". They're not quite hoarders, but keep lots! My Dad has definitely gotten worse in recent years. Everything has a sentiment attatched to it or can be used in the future. So, there more stuff than space. Plus, the house is literally falling apart. Not good. There's mold in the bathroom which we keep from spreading by spraying it with this heavy duty chemical daily. We were in the middle of beginning renovations on a very limited budget when I got sick. James doesn't have much time to help between school and homework and Dad isn't physically able to do very much. So it was me. Then I got weak and pukey, so renos have stopped. We literally don't have room in our house for one more thing, so I have no clue where we are going to put another person. We don't even have room in our bedrooms for dressers, so we can't even put the baby in a drawer to sleep! I already feel like it is beyond unfair to have two kids living in this mess and now we're bringing another baby into the disaster.
Before I found out I was pregnant, I was already feeling more than a little overwhelmed by the house and everything that needs to be done to make it tolerable. Now I barely have the energy to get though the first half of my day, let alone do anything extra like renovations or cleaning. And I know no one else will do it if I don't. So instead, I'm just cranky and hating my living situation all the time. To say it makes me a better mother would make me a huge liar!
All this grumpiness and feeling so sick makes me quite anitsocial! So, I have a lot of time on my hands while I'm home resting. Which is good and bad. Bad because it means I'm always surrounded by my house of things I should be doing but can't do. Good because it gave me a lot of time to really think about how I was feeling versus how I should be feeling. I've also had a lot of time to spend with my boys and remember how much I love them. They can make my heart sing with just one smile. I'd do anything for them and I know that this baby will be no different. I'd lost perspective for a while and wasn't thinking about what a blessing my kids are. I think back to when we first got married and were having such a hard time getting pregnant. When the doctor told us our chances of conceiving were extremely small, I was devastated. I would have done (and did) anything to get pregnant. Then I think of so many of the people I know who can't have children. I know how they feel because I was there. Its never a feeling you get over, you just adjust to it. I know you love adopted children as much as you love the children you bear, but I also know as a woman, it often leaves you feeling like you're broken somehow. How unfair of me to complain about being blessed with a third miracle when some of the best people I know would give anything for just one miracle. I was being completely selfish.
I honestly still can't say I'm as excited as I probably should be. To be honest, I'm still scared as hell. And I'm fed up with feeling so sick. I don't know how things are going to work out, I just know they will. I know the Lord has a plan for me, and while there are days that I still wish his plan was a little closer to what mine was, I know He'll make sure we make it through this just as long as we do our part.
And besides, if this baby turns out anything like these two...
then it will all be ok. (And yes, I realize that Myle is covered in snot, but he's been teething/sick for months on end, so I don't really have any pictures of him not covered in it!)
